现在，我已经完全了解你在想些什么。你酒醉时分的字字句句依然回荡在我耳边。虽然已难分辨哪句和我有关，可昨晚我却再一次陷入深深的自责无法自拔。其实昨夜我是准备牵着你的手，问你是否还愿意再次接受我的。直到你酒后真言，我决定把这句话永远埋葬，不再提起。我感到失落跟痛楚。失落的是我大概再也不能成为那个被你宠爱的幸运儿了；痛苦的是，即使在你遍体鳞伤之际我却不能在众目睽睽之下给你些许安慰。在你昨夜问我2010年最期待的事是什么之前，我其实早已将心愿写在新年日程的第一篇。如果有机会，我希望从2010年起给你幸福。可是现在呢，我大概只能默默祝福你，就像一直以来我始终未间断的对你的牵挂，希望你一切都好，2010能有人在你身边，在你失落的时候安慰你，在你低落的时候鼓励你，在你生病的时候照顾你，在你失去安全感的时候好好的拥抱你，温暖你。

Yu, you are an awsome guy, never ever forget it. 相信我，2010年，你会一帆风顺。

My dear mother, the light has grown grey in the sky; I do not know what the time is. There is no fun in my days, so I have come to you. It is Sunday, this coming Sunday, our holiday. Leave off your work mother, sit here by the window and tell me where the end of my life desert in the fairy tale is. i like to sit alone in the room, mother, with you, and hear you talking about the happiness in the fairy tale. When the clouds rumble and it thunders, I love to be afraid in my heart and cling to you my mother. But Mum, please, I have left all my book on the shelf, do not ask me to do my homework now, because I am as big as my father, I have leart all that must be leart. Just for today, tell me mother, where the end of my life desert in the fairy tale is?

I hope that I could find you in the fairy tale.

一直以为我失去了默默注视你的权利。如此的习惯从正式认识你之前的那个高二就潜移默化地在我日复一日的平淡琐碎中渐渐生根发芽茁壮成长。直到某一天我惊奇地发现，我再也不能从你的blog得到任何你的讯息。你过得好不好，快不快乐，身体是否依旧长期的被短暂急促的疼痛折磨，感情是否还一帆风顺。我大概犯过太多的错。所以方便快捷的科技也将我拒之于千里之外。你收不到我发的短信，我打不开校内，不能留言回复任何关于你往日的足迹似乎成了理所当然。

这一切却终止于我欣喜若狂的发现可以再次打开校内。终止于清晨与你的交谈。终止于再次可以用短信问候你。然而我却忘了问，你一直，过得好不好。

能打开校内让我近乎六年来养成的习惯重新走上正轨。所以呢？我只是晓得了你依旧写博，依旧旅行，依旧关注经济，依旧与音乐形影不离，身体依旧备受病痛折磨，日子依旧忙碌得不到足够休息。等待这一天太久了，久到记不清从哪天开始我失去了问候你的勇气跟信心，哪怕只是一句没有重点的，你过得好不好。

博，你也一直在写。只是你写在校内，我无法看见。

我一直还是生活在对过去的一切的缅怀之中。我想，我也欠你一句对不起。想说的太多，能说出口的太少，甚至摸不清究竟该以怎样的心情与态度面对你。我似乎又把你摆回了5年前仰视的高度。因为我跟你越来越陌生，甚至愈我而言，有些害怕。

可是请你记住并且相信，祝福你的心，永远不变。

In the end, good luck with your exams and, everything.

如果说酒后真言是千古不变的寓言，那么我宁可相信这所有的一切都不曾发生。墨尔本急促连续的阴雨并没有荡涤片刻欢愉过后的低落。雨水愈加频繁，心情愈加凌乱。转而堪培拉的生日庆祝却以悲剧落幕。当我把自己蜷缩在阴晦的房间，当所谓关心你的人不争得同意便破门而入，我的心都死了。这两个星期只让我学会了什么叫勾心斗角下的风平浪静。我被这种虚伪的包袱快压得喘不过气。

向来不走运的我也一直是别人的笑柄。最后我也就成了自己的笑柄。

And I am not a naughty one.

I'm so scared, and you are not here.

请原谅我不能在此细细说明究竟发生了什么。即使这里只是对自己满腹疑问，有了感受得出结论的日志，却不得等于我可以找出问题的答案。我自己的感情似乎已经不是那么理所当然循规蹈矩。我想，我失去了爱上男人的能力。

这个星期远比我计划的要疲惫。周末被club和糖果堆积让我有点窒息。被自己看穿后，除了暴力的音乐跟昏暗的灯光外我再也找不到容身之所。最让我无力的大概要数被人偷了手机和钱包的事。从新年的开始，我就一直失去。我已经不会大惊失色的承认自己曾经的愚昧。给自己计划得太过美好最终只会永远走也永远不会来。女生太懂得如何相互安慰相互取暖。大概所有不被社会认可的人们都有着相同的理由，那就是失去了便也再也找不回来的安全感。看到女孩们受伤，再加上自己的痛，实在会为身为女生的我们产生更加强烈的保护欲。转而一切都变得格外简单。我不得不承认，男生的嘴巴有时远比女生恶毒。所以当女生，有女生做女朋友大概也是迷幻又醉心的决定。

Greta试图将一个她口中的好男人带到我身边。我不会抱任何希望却不排斥这最后一次尝试的机会。仅仅尝试。我不想让我的绝望自动生息，忘记当初所坚持与拥有的。

然后，我只想对你说声，对不起。

2，吃美味的食物

3，健身

4，看杂志

6，任何的书

7，收集任何小而可爱的包包

9，电影

10，整理房间

11，做不切实际的梦然后说damn it

12，西瓜

13，学习化妆

14，最近迷上睡觉，大概实在太累

15，跟好久不联系的朋友聊聊

16，有玫瑰蜂蜜香气的甜美的绿茶

Melbourne didn't really entertained me much. I got sick and pissed off. I guess I miss Canberra really much and I mean it. I'm back here with myself again. Unilodge is holding a meet and coctail party here and I was a bit out of numbers. Everybody got company with fun, and I just dragged my tired ass to this single room, with whole bunches of messages from facebook, xiaonei, phone and emails.

I don't know exactly what I want. 'U?' is just as simple as it is. I'm trying to be caring about you, asking you about what you are doing or anything you want to share with me alone here. Obviously it's not working out that I didn't get any words relevant in return except the judgement of somehow you think that I am demanding in terms of 'PICKING ON YOU'. You really interpret me as this is right. So trying to get in touch just as simply as asking 'What are you doing' is my fault. See, I was always the one to ask questions first because I am in need of information about you, to imagine that I could see you through your descriptions of what you are doing at the moment. And now you just cannot understand and get mad. Am I asking too much? You are not a much saying person even after few days of non-connections between us. I guess, probably, I just couldn't get along with guys. It's not just like we are living in the different countries, or states, or cities, or blocks. It's different planet. Sometimes, I just cannot be figured out right. It is not easy for me. Even though everybody has already moved on, I manage to stay exactly where I am. With myself.

Here, I am not a demanding girl, or, whatever. k. Blame me.

And this is something that i have been secretly at variance with, I, somehow, liked the joke.