No Destination

谢谢你安排了一个完美的2009 Ending. 如若不是你我大概还是会按部就班实施我原本的计划，在新年之夜走一走扬州的大街小巷。除了希望弥补多年来错失的对家乡的思念之外，也理所当然的可以迟些回家，越迟越好。

现在，我已经完全了解你在想些什么。你酒醉时分的字字句句依然回荡在我耳边。虽然已难分辨哪句和我有关，可昨晚我却再一次陷入深深的自责无法自拔。其实昨夜我是准备牵着你的手，问你是否还愿意再次接受我的。直到你酒后真言，我决定把这句话永远埋葬，不再提起。我感到失落跟痛楚。失落的是我大概再也不能成为那个被你宠爱的幸运儿了；痛苦的是，即使在你遍体鳞伤之际我却不能在众目睽睽之下给你些许安慰。在你昨夜问我2010年最期待的事是什么之前，我其实早已将心愿写在新年日程的第一篇。如果有机会，我希望从2010年起给你幸福。可是现在呢，我大概只能默默祝福你，就像一直以来我始终未间断的对你的牵挂，希望你一切都好，2010能有人在你身边，在你失落的时候安慰你，在你低落的时候鼓励你，在你生病的时候照顾你，在你失去安全感的时候好好的拥抱你，温暖你。

Yu, you are an awsome guy, never ever forget it. 相信我，2010年，你会一帆风顺。

I am going back to my home again. This time, the mind, sharp but not broad, sticks at every point but does not move. My day is done, I am going to meet every single night with all the memories of the past, but somehow, signs of you might just be shattered in the dust to prove my failure of ever owning you. How I wish, I could be like a boat drawn on the beach, listeing to the dance music of the tide in the evening with a silent heart. I wonder when the perfect could deck itself in beauty for the love of my imperfection. Therefore, I wanted to look for it in the evening, at every corner of my high school, where used to fill with my expectations and hope.

My dear mother, the light has grown grey in the sky; I do not know what the time is. There is no fun in my days, so I have come to you. It is Sunday, this coming Sunday, our holiday. Leave off your work mother, sit here by the window and tell me where the end of my life desert in the fairy tale is. i like to sit alone in the room, mother, with you, and hear you talking about the happiness in the fairy tale. When the clouds rumble and it thunders, I love to be afraid in my heart and cling to you my mother. But Mum, please, I have left all my book on the shelf, do not ask me to do my homework now, because I am as big as my father, I have leart all that must be leart. Just for today, tell me mother, where the end of my life desert in the fairy tale is?

I hope that I could find you in the fairy tale.

凌晨时分，我要了你的地址。我给你写了封信。

一直以为我失去了默默注视你的权利。如此的习惯从正式认识你之前的那个高二就潜移默化地在我日复一日的平淡琐碎中渐渐生根发芽茁壮成长。直到某一天我惊奇地发现，我再也不能从你的blog得到任何你的讯息。你过得好不好，快不快乐，身体是否依旧长期的被短暂急促的疼痛折磨，感情是否还一帆风顺。我大概犯过太多的错。所以方便快捷的科技也将我拒之于千里之外。你收不到我发的短信，我打不开校内，不能留言回复任何关于你往日的足迹似乎成了理所当然。

这一切却终止于我欣喜若狂的发现可以再次打开校内。终止于清晨与你的交谈。终止于再次可以用短信问候你。然而我却忘了问，你一直，过得好不好。

能打开校内让我近乎六年来养成的习惯重新走上正轨。所以呢？我只是晓得了你依旧写博，依旧旅行，依旧关注经济，依旧与音乐形影不离，身体依旧备受病痛折磨，日子依旧忙碌得不到足够休息。等待这一天太久了，久到记不清从哪天开始我失去了问候你的勇气跟信心，哪怕只是一句没有重点的，你过得好不好。

博，你也一直在写。只是你写在校内，我无法看见。

我一直还是生活在对过去的一切的缅怀之中。我想，我也欠你一句对不起。想说的太多，能说出口的太少，甚至摸不清究竟该以怎样的心情与态度面对你。我似乎又把你摆回了5年前仰视的高度。因为我跟你越来越陌生，甚至愈我而言，有些害怕。

可是请你记住并且相信，祝福你的心，永远不变。

In the end, good luck with your exams and, everything.

墨尔本短暂的停留跟疯狂的星期四之夜并没有让我枯萎的生活平添一丝乐趣。我调动所有感官所能收集到的，除了对周围人更深层的绝望，就是对即将到来的生日的恐惧。

如果说酒后真言是千古不变的寓言，那么我宁可相信这所有的一切都不曾发生。墨尔本急促连续的阴雨并没有荡涤片刻欢愉过后的低落。雨水愈加频繁，心情愈加凌乱。转而堪培拉的生日庆祝却以悲剧落幕。当我把自己蜷缩在阴晦的房间，当所谓关心你的人不争得同意便破门而入，我的心都死了。这两个星期只让我学会了什么叫勾心斗角下的风平浪静。我被这种虚伪的包袱快压得喘不过气。

向来不走运的我也一直是别人的笑柄。最后我也就成了自己的笑柄。

And this is the acute injury, comes from my established extremities of helplessness and anxiety. I guess the greatest confrontation with reality has occured as an absolute numbing to immediacy which is likely to be obviously evident. I think my hope and motivations have been suprisingly manipulated by the collective and practical use of berserking. I'm in great danger of insecurity.

And I am not a naughty one.

The thoughts of mine that are never captured by words perch upon my depression and reluctantion, losing myself in the silent heart of asphyxial darkness standing alone among the whispers of failure. I just know, the faded flower signs that the day's end will never bring me across to the other shore from where I can ever see. I think I have lost the right to say, 'it's morning', instead, have to dismiss it with a name of yesterday, that stops forever. No directions. No freedom. Because I might just have to lose again with no start over ever.

I'm so scared, and you are not here.

生活忙碌本来应对我而言应算是梦寐以求的事。我突然间多了很多朋友，每个人都会不停的说，他们有多么关心我爱护我，说我是最cool最好的朋友。可就在得到这一切的同时，我想我失去了更多。

请原谅我不能在此细细说明究竟发生了什么。即使这里只是对自己满腹疑问，有了感受得出结论的日志，却不得等于我可以找出问题的答案。我自己的感情似乎已经不是那么理所当然循规蹈矩。我想，我失去了爱上男人的能力。

这个星期远比我计划的要疲惫。周末被club和糖果堆积让我有点窒息。被自己看穿后，除了暴力的音乐跟昏暗的灯光外我再也找不到容身之所。最让我无力的大概要数被人偷了手机和钱包的事。从新年的开始，我就一直失去。我已经不会大惊失色的承认自己曾经的愚昧。给自己计划得太过美好最终只会永远走也永远不会来。女生太懂得如何相互安慰相互取暖。大概所有不被社会认可的人们都有着相同的理由，那就是失去了便也再也找不回来的安全感。看到女孩们受伤，再加上自己的痛，实在会为身为女生的我们产生更加强烈的保护欲。转而一切都变得格外简单。我不得不承认，男生的嘴巴有时远比女生恶毒。所以当女生，有女生做女朋友大概也是迷幻又醉心的决定。

Greta试图将一个她口中的好男人带到我身边。我不会抱任何希望却不排斥这最后一次尝试的机会。仅仅尝试。我不想让我的绝望自动生息，忘记当初所坚持与拥有的。

然后，我只想对你说声，对不起。

1，鞋子

2，吃美味的食物

3，健身

4，看杂志

6，任何的书

7，收集任何小而可爱的包包

9，电影

10，整理房间

11，做不切实际的梦然后说damn it

12，西瓜

13，学习化妆

14，最近迷上睡觉，大概实在太累

15，跟好久不联系的朋友聊聊

16，有玫瑰蜂蜜香气的甜美的绿茶

As titled.

Melbourne didn't really entertained me much. I got sick and pissed off. I guess I miss Canberra really much and I mean it. I'm back here with myself again. Unilodge is holding a meet and coctail party here and I was a bit out of numbers. Everybody got company with fun, and I just dragged my tired ass to this single room, with whole bunches of messages from facebook, xiaonei, phone and emails.

I don't know exactly what I want. 'U?' is just as simple as it is. I'm trying to be caring about you, asking you about what you are doing or anything you want to share with me alone here. Obviously it's not working out that I didn't get any words relevant in return except the judgement of somehow you think that I am demanding in terms of 'PICKING ON YOU'. You really interpret me as this is right. So trying to get in touch just as simply as asking 'What are you doing' is my fault. See, I was always the one to ask questions first because I am in need of information about you, to imagine that I could see you through your descriptions of what you are doing at the moment. And now you just cannot understand and get mad. Am I asking too much? You are not a much saying person even after few days of non-connections between us. I guess, probably, I just couldn't get along with guys. It's not just like we are living in the different countries, or states, or cities, or blocks. It's different planet. Sometimes, I just cannot be figured out right. It is not easy for me. Even though everybody has already moved on, I manage to stay exactly where I am. With myself.

Here, I am not a demanding girl, or, whatever. k. Blame me.

Coming back to Melbourne this time didn't really cheer me up, I offically feel exhausted. And this is the first time in a really long time Canberra really estabilishes an image called 'home' in my mind. Despite the fact that i have been sick for two days which hasn't been on my page for more than a year, probably coming back drew a curse on me. And somehow, i lost the ability to translate affections between me and friends here. That is to say, i messed up my relationships with external again. And you, i don't know what's the problem with you now. Sometimes I just couldn't understand you at all. I said i like to be straightforward and I would like you to do me a favour doing so as well. Guessing can never be on my plate and we don't really have time for jokes, as you know, everything is not settling down yet and i don't expect to doom the seed just when it hasn't starting growing up or on the half way of which the bond is not strong enough to experience the emotional storm. Honestly with you, I am giving my best to figure things out. So Don't let me down.

And this is something that i have been secretly at variance with, I, somehow, liked the joke.

我又把博客重新设置为可评论。---

其实，要说有一件事是让我犹豫的，我想这大概就是你。真的假的都混在一起被我丢进柜子，等哪天需要某件华丽的裙子再去慢慢琢磨，分类，打扫干净。可是挑选往往在这个时候并不像拿起一件小洋装随手穿上那么容易。所以女人跟衣服的关系远比男女之情简朴得多。干净利索。

太多犹豫之后其实往往尾随的是绞痛却不能放肆的眼泪。我是说真的。就在我们停止说话却还有千丝万缕掺杂其中的前日下午，我一路走着哭着，一路由女朋友拽着走进一家日本餐厅。有时候记忆力真的残忍得出奇。当日只是除了讨厌被分离的痛苦之外就不剩下什么了。我只喝了一盏凉茶，就坐在那儿，哪儿都没去。直至关门。

扫别人的兴不是我所为，我也只能够在女友的生日派对，面对别人诚恳的表白尴尬的笑笑重新拾起并点燃十分钟前的烟嘴。要我怎么说呢？我正伤心着不是吗。所以我不停看手机，抓狂的生怕错过你的一字一句。就像之前对你说了，有你的存在，我感到安全和温暖。

看一看这里，然后到此为止，忘记一切。其实，要说有一件事是让我犹豫的。我想，这大概就是你。

去巴塞罗那之前，“克里斯蒂只知道自己不想要什么，在这一点上薇琪赢她。”

薇琪保守认真，以为自己有相爱的人，彼此都愿意相信承诺的美好，然而夏日巴塞罗那一个美好的邂逅立刻让她不能坦然对未婚夫说我爱你，颠覆了她一贯对于爱和生活所秉持的理念。

薇琪是用一种理念指导爱情和生活，最后却发现爱情并非是随着生活信仰而派生的产物，而只是爱情本身，生活也仿佛忽然起了离心作用，将她原来对生活的想象甩到半空中，所以也许人不能单凭某种理念去行动，而是要在行动中不断确信或修正某种理念。

克里斯蒂的迷惘和寻找是能让人一眼看穿的，薇琪的迷失却是在内心深处，后者的迷惑程度比前者来的更为深刻，因为克里斯蒂从来就没有方向，所以她走到哪里都不能算作迷失，而薇琪却是偏离了固定的方向后找不到其他的方向，是既患失又患得。

那些看似目标明确而坚持的人也许是最不知道自己想要什么的，之前的种种目标只是他在潜意识里不断告诫自己必须接受的某种东西，而没有试图去寻找真正的自我，所以在这一点，其实是克里斯蒂孩子气的莽撞和勇气赢薇琪，因为克里斯蒂从不讳言她的寻找以及寻而不得后的伤痕。

“我爱他，但是我不是和他在恋爱。”

朱迪的这句肺腑之言大概道出了激情与爱情的区别，爱情在生活和时间的流逝中逐渐打磨成为一种依靠，成为一种持久的波澜不惊的状态，激情却是瞬间的电光石火头晕目眩。

朱迪认为自己的生活需要被激情拯救，但内心深处也许她并不想改变目前的生活状态，真正让她选择离婚她未必如此，因为人都是贪心的，既想要安全感又想要尝试精彩刺激的生活，如果没有一个完美的途径能鱼和熊掌见得，那不如在两者之间维持胶着状态，在一世的安稳和片刻的欢愉之间保持微妙的平衡。

如此这般她才能一方面与其他男人保持暧昧，一方面仍旧和丈夫保持着看上去的锦瑟和谐，并且利用一个贵妇人闲暇的特权试图拯救薇琪的生活，之所以如此轻言拯救，那不过是因为那并非是自己的幸福。

而拯救计划失败后，薇琪与丈夫的一个拥抱则标志着薇琪心灵的回归，她比朱迪清醒，年轻并且具有行动力，丈夫对她一时的出轨一无所知，是她主动选择了回到了那个臂弯，所以她比朱迪也要幸运，因为她在更年轻的时候就遭遇了激情与爱情的冲撞，而在这两者之间的选择将让她更加认清自己并在以后的选择中更有底气。

大概是因为思想交换里本身含有相互爱慕的成分，克里斯蒂、玛丽娅和安东尼奥之间的情爱关系可以看做他们彼此之间交流的一种方式，也是克里斯蒂“寻找”的一种方式。

克里斯蒂与其说在寻找爱情不如说是在寻找自己，寻找最适合自己的一种表达方式，寻找一种更有速度感的生活。有时候爱情只是徒有虚名，因为“每个人在爱情里寻找的都是子虚乌有的那个自己”，需要有别人在身边那是由于如此才能更清楚的让你意识到自己的存在，而一旦当克里斯蒂意识到此岸并非想象中的彼岸，她再一次的选择离开和自我放逐。

而到最后，薇琪和克里斯蒂离开巴塞罗那时的状态仿佛如同最初到达时候的状态一样，一个回到原有的生活轨道，一个马不停蹄的继续寻找，然而又确实有些东西是不一样的了，因为，曾经流连在巴塞罗那夏日流光溢彩的风情中的两个女孩子，她们遇见一个男人，她们还遇见自己所不了解的那个自己。

From http://candy7002.blogbus.com/logs/34191741.html

Now I couldnt think more about dumping this bad habit of drinking. Yea, thats right, i always got stood up and dumped when the day was somehow important to me. therefore it might just be that I got bad luck, or, i got devalued. There is no point now to give a review for the past year and the past bitchy conversations on new year eve. I was scared. Probably I would get a proposal this year, hopefully. However, Im someone looks for something/someone special in a long run. I dont know if i could ever be brave enough to handle any failures in the future. Well, the past was just dramatically ridiculous.

Just few days ago, i heard someone's habit of recording every piece of sweet things happened in a day everyday. Im wondering how happy and fullfilled at the end when giving a review to recall all these fabulous moments in his life. I should do this too coz I am just lack of memories.

Sorry for the spelling. I have done.

One more question, are you happy now?

PLEASE, DO NOT COME TO THIS BLOG ANYMORE. I CAN TRACK YOU DOWN IF I SEE YOU APPEAR AGAIN AND THIS BLOG WILL NO LONGER EXIST. THIS IS MY PLACE AND PLEASE, DO NOT MESS IT UP BECAUSE YOU CANNOT TAKE EVERYTHING AWAY FROM ME.

SO I SAY, WE CUT EACH OTHER OUT OF LIFE AND I DON'T KNOW YOU ANYMORE.

The full name of this movie was Vicky Cristina Barcelona. It was once again proved, from artists' perspectives, that threesome is the popular, practical and inspiring sexual frontier. Maybe people were never meant to do it with only one other person, it did happen, and threesome became the relationship of the future. It could be dreams, and dreams are a good way to experiment. It is like buying a dress and keeping the tag on it. But it is not fancy at all just to make someone happy and not including self-satisfaction. It might bring the two closer, but is still weird to see someone to be with your intimate. I guess for real or fantacy, there would be no way just to avoid a threesome because even you are the only one there, someone has always been there before you, and you have to live with it.

Perhaps, the ultimate reason of threesome is just because both are looking for someone/something else.

The conversation with Sofie has honestly been depressing, but it was the very first time in a really long time, that I felt grouped in a way of which was once defined as pyschological sickness, known as 'Bulimia'. We seemed to have much in common, the food choice, living habit and even the direction of losing weight, but as the talk was half on the way, I suddenly became to realize that 'Bulimia' was me. It is no longer me.

I couldn't tell how comfortable I am now with the changes of eating habit since the first day back to Australia. It just happened in a healthier desire unintentioanlly. From the days I have been through, correct habit does help minuse the size and self-depression. I am once again, back to a normal and positive life plus a propotional figure. All those pre-arranged schedules and plans have been written in the diary. If I could be brave and prepared enough to manage the breaking through of Bulimia which I thought I would never get over with, then what else that is wrong couldn't I smooth away?

Today is the finalized day I set to pay for the summer course tuition fees. I'd better not play little trouble here like last year. No mess, no mass, no fuss.

There were no signs, by any chance, that I could ever leave my phone ar home but that was exactly what I did last night. Therefore, I missed calls and I got mixed thoughts. I'm sorry to anyone who did make calls and texts and probably, that anyone would probably only refer to you. As being a friend of yours, the idea of losing me should never occur in your mind. At least this 'forgotten' mistake signified the importance of my existence to certain people. I am needed. Speaking of this, I would like to bringh up the next day-to-day old fashion way to pass this phrase from me to you, hey, don't worry about me, I'm fine.

Canberra recently has this weird unpredictable weather, right now, sitting by the table and typing those non-sense words cannot actually stop the thunder from shocking my table and hence every single piece of devices on it. After just few seconds, it suddently turns into a perfectly fine Sunday night. How could it be any faster than the stock market on the Wall Street faling apart in a more obvious way? The wole room is so quiet now, I can even hear bikes speeding up through crowds on the street and possibly, my heart' beating. I'm just wondering, if it is by the fact that I just got too much free time than anybody else or I have been noise-intolerant.

My feet today were trapped in the beauty snare of heel straps thus I deserved the pain of decortications. They are bleeding right now, I don't do anything for it and I cannot figure out if I would be able to wear heels tomorrow. Oh, when was the last time I gave myself a facial? Probably last year. My mind is filled with some other interruptions like cigarettes and the less obvious reason of why I couldn't sleep early and well therefore I need liquor every night. It is not my preference to think about insomnia but it has occurred to me, officially. I run from no-sleep to no-stop. Black cherries cannot transform the taste of bitterness from coffee or cigas to my previous face of sweet teeth, or perhaps I just got little something wrong with my fridge with rare capacity therefore the freshness of black cherries haven't been locked fully enough. When it comes to the matter of mistakes, or let's say something-seems-to-be-wrong, my optimism is always there to willingly life me up to a higher level of happiness through excuses, like, I'm too fabulous to be with average guys. It's a joke.

I never have thought yet that my youth is leaving away except few moments that I got a few bees in my bonnet. Youth is all about craziness. Despite all the life-irrelevant craziness happened including drugs, smoking, drinking, casual love developing and wagging classes in my life so far, what could possibly be missed out to complete the cycle of my destiny? Some people are settling down, some people are settling, some people, like me, refuse to settle due to the absence of butterflies. One thing that I am unable to get over with is the fact that I am alone. But who cares? I got my reliable and always loyal shoe citizens no matter when I was fat or skinny, high or down. I am happy with what's in my hand right now and I'm not afraid to say it loud. There will be hundreds and hundreads of fabulous lifestyles which do not include certain rings. Friday nights go out with girls watching movies and having drinks afterwards, attend 'nurse and doctor' party as long as I got time and interests, stand on my table via reading or polishing my nails, sleep on the floor for as long as I wish unless I got classes in this absolutely burnning summer, instead of going out to sacrifice personal time, not-scheduled travelling plans, and of course, the extra expenditures on outfits that might involve ugly judgement. What a life it is. And it is my youth.

Now, I'm shutting the fuck up.

Chike said he had nobody to go shopping with, so he ended up with staying at home, alone.

I said it is ok just perfectly being with myself, or ourselves, so I ended up with one more single movie and of course, another pair of shoes, and they are surprisingly green.

I got to know so many great friends when this time back to China. After a series of proposals, I finally decoded my vision of disability to get intimate with great guys. I’m so terrified that I might lose them when at the beginning stage of intimation; therefore I prefer to just be friends instead of having broken hearts and total separation taken place when it came to the matter of relationships I supposed. Friends, in a way, are forever, but relationships are not that reliable.

Do you know what? You said your hand writing is not perfect so you wouldn't hand write me letters. I don't mind, really. What really matters is the fact that you do it, or not.

爱一种喜欢可以爱3年。一款喜欢的口红忽然在某一天再找不到，它边得更昂贵，更芳香，但是它已经不是它了不是么。就像小王子那只要求被驯服的狐狸了，当驯服开始，习惯便开始，爱便也开始。习惯就是如此的强大。当灌溉了全部的爱于一支口红，它边沾染了你的味道，进而成长为另外一种生命，只与你有关。然后习惯又是如此不堪一击。记忆中那陪伴了许久的口红变得弥足珍贵甚至成了无可替代的。之后用力回忆却始终记不起这支口红到底爱了多久。只是会有一点信筒跟遗憾。再之后当痛痒淡定就得去尝试新的口红。随着下一个很久的流逝就爱上了另一个习惯。失落的那一支已经不会再让人唏嘘，因为新的也沾染了自己的味道。只是几个轮回之后，我还是会找会曾经的口红。因为记忆跟气味太重要。

爱一个人的身体可以爱3年。当摸着一个人的手，就像左手摸着右手，这不是，而是爱护。就像你对一个跟自己一起超过3年的人一样，爱护其实胜过爱。因为人会习惯爱的那个人做饭的咸淡跟习惯交给每月的薪水。当爱情走过第7年，是痒。但是在此之前身体已经陷入麻木了。只爱身体不爱你，会觉得无耻。但是只爱你不爱你身体，也会无奈以及深深挫败吧。徐志摩说，爱的出发点不一定都是身体但爱到了身体就到了顶点。但顶点永远只要一点。接下来就是看到底的下坡路了。只是这个顶点我们能维持多久。爱上一个人的身体要比爱灵魂容易得多。占有一个人的身体也比占有灵魂容易得多。所以相反的过程也容易很多。对身体的迷恋是非常脆弱的。一点点小小的疏忽都能让它土崩瓦解。所以破坏美好的一个瞬间只需要不到一秒，想来爱身体爱上3年已是不易。

爱上一见钟情需要许多个30秒。英国专家所进行的大规模快速约会实验证实，如果在30秒之内无法让异性印象深刻那么就注定成为无缘人。一见钟情是否能长久是因人而异的。要看那谁也说不明的情市斗能够得以延续。所以这30秒能爱多久虽然没有标准答案，却大概可以用秒来做单位。很多个30秒后，是日久生情还是分崩离析就悉听尊便了。除非能把易消失的美丽转化为更优雅的涵养，善良，坚强，宽厚，从容……这些岁月无法磨灭的东西。一件钟情是有一个电光火石的开始，日久生情是有一个一唱三叹的结局。

我不太希望医生的确证实了我的厌事症之事。可是有些事就这么顺其自然理所当然地一发不可收拾。除了感情，我于食物的一点点眷恋如今也被我气若游丝的力道格式化几近空白。然后我的胃又开始，隐隐作痛。我也再一次与隐藏和沉默谈起了淡漠而牵长的精神恋爱。以往就算是在最困顿的时刻，总还有时间找可以相互信任的人，相互取暖，寻求慰藉，没什么是乡亲相爱的朋友救不回来的。无论如何都要生活的我，以前就算到了草木皆并的关头，我拥有的那么一点点顽强跟一点点自信，也足以让我平静如昔。平静依旧在，只是被涂抹了一层近乎死去的绝望罢了。

我想快乐踏实的拥有你。可是日子越久，我跟你之间的沟渠就越发显得无法逾越。眼前的每一天越发模糊。而那么多个月之前的日日夜夜却又历历在目。我是这么想念你，这么想念你。我还在为某一天发现某一栏的空白欢呼雀跃着，可这种苍白空洞不踏实的盼头转瞬即逝。好比这个戏剧性的六月。我想问候你，是否还在为学业焦虑。我的电话薄却空空如也。大概我某日开始就决定选择记住某些电话，可我偏偏故意选择忘记了你。如果你一切顺利，记得不要告诉我有关你的讯息。

我每日选择漫长孤独的步行从家走向喧闹的闹市口。我想象着如果你在我身边，寒气逼人的12月是否选择演绎另一个冬季。我终日以忙碌的学习填补难得可以偷懒的30天，才不会有太多时刻想“如果你在我身边”这种愚蠢的问题。然后，还有我的饥饿。当我的神经还在被疼痛感折磨时，我才能安安静静平躺下去苦苦的却又纯粹的进入我白日不敢妄自断言的梦境。可我的印象中，除了你的名字，却还是你的名字。

对生活失望不仅来自对你记忆的绝望，还有对家庭的不信任。我选择做听话的好孩子。我最终又得到了什么。有低落，有羞辱，有海啸般突如其来的生硬无望把我一遍遍摧毁着。当他们还在相安无事的以为我一切都好的同时，当他们还在无心插柳的指手画脚辱骂职责时，我也就这么死了。